He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need a beard to bite.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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