what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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