had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
