i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
