i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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