it hurts more in the daytime
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
