We won't sleep together?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
