it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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