end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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