Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
