That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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