I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
