I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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