I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
