what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
