just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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