You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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