Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
