I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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