I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
