Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
