I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Even my vagina gasped.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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