fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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