Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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