just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
