He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
