I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
