I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
