She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
