I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
