If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this boner is exhausting
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
