the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think people are normalizing furries
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
