her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
