Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
