Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
