I wish I could teleport
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This is my gift to your gina
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
