do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
