Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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