I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
