Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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