You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I would fuck him just for his dog
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