So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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