Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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