P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want to be your penis for a week.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
