i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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