You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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