Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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