I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
