my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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