i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
